On resilience and surrender

So here's our birthing mother, savvy about the possible interventions that may be offered to her, birth plan in hand, inner strength activated, aware that she is likely to be attended by someone she's not met before, moving into the birth zone of surrender and release. Wow what a combination!

I wonder if here is where one of the cruxes of safe birth lies? Being able to steer a course between the two extremes, being able to say No assertively at the same time as accepting the flood of labour as she opens up with a joyful Yes!

As I write I'm aware I'm directly recalling the words of my doula at last week's birth group, thank you Rachel!

Each of my pregnancies and births have offered me a gift, an area for development and growth and whilst this balance of Yes and No is true for anyone birthing in our culture, it feels very close to my heart in particular at this time.

To be resilient is not to be closed to those around me, but to be clear and centred in myself and aware of the skills I have to bounce and to cope with whatever a situation arises.

To surrender is not to pass over control to someone else blindly though it is an opportunity to lay back into the hands of God/Source/All That Is and trust.

To be 'in control' can necessarily accomodate surrendering, as it is my choice to do so.

I am re-reading a book called Birthing from Within which encourages the uncovering of layers of questions, focuses, anxieties to prepare oneself for birth. Using creativity to help unpack anything which may stand in the way of a flowing birth experience. I found a peaceful spot around dawn this morning to journal (which I totally recommend!) and played for some time with some oil pastels, and felt some real breakthroughs with addressing this balance within myself.

The image my subconscious drew helped me see that when I birth I am accessing a power greater than the hills. When focusing on the part of my body that physically needs to coast the balance between surrender and resilience, my Pelvic Floor, I drew rainbows of healing to any pain and worry held there. Rainbows for me represent the whole spectrum of experience. The act of colouring in this image really shifted some blocks and I will be revisiting it.

I didn't expect this blog to have further personal journeys within it as I thought my birthing days ended with my 3rd! I'm going with the flow as to where this takes the blog -- lets see if she chooses breech or cephallic!

I've found it so helpful to learn what other pregnant people are experiencing as we are each on such a personal path approaching birth. I feel there is always more to develop and open up, and again really encourage any reader to delve deep down into how you are (the book I mentioned above is a great support, like a manual, for doing this) and what this experience is bringing up for you.

Its a real joy to be fully present with the pregnancy, my body, its reactions, emotions, sensations. From this place of self-knowledge I can look upon the valley of surrender with the resilient strength of the mountain and it not feel like a contradiction!! You go girl!!

More tales from the pelvis - Care for those tired bones!

When I lie down, it seems to mould its way into the bed! If I stand still for some time, or lean against a wall, again there is a definite mirroring of the object I am in contact with. And then I can feel my back heaving under the weight and willing me to rest more as my mind captures jobs that seem so Important right now that I Can't Stop! Such is the journey of the busy pregnant woman's pelvis.

Here are some things that help me as the relaxin hormone in my body, preparing my system beautifully for a safe and roomy birth canal, takes a bit stronger hold than I would like and simply Hurts. (I've had SPD in my second pregnancy helped enormously by a skilled osteopath, and similarly the discomfort that can arise with subsequent babies benefits a lot by one or two visits to see her. I recommend osteopathy in pregnancy and for babies with wholehearted assertion!).

- Movement, belly dancing, gently swinging those hips to bring back some fluidity to the joints. All fours, or simply a gentle twist in the computer chair, movement helps engage with the changes to the body. 

This is the vessel through which you will be birthing your child, familiarise, talk to it, find out what feels good :)

- Lying down on my side, even for ten minutes, at present my favourite place is in our barn space outside with the rabbit, on some warm, soft carpet, feeling my weight supported perfectly by Mother Earth. Pippin the rabbit helps me disengage from whatever it was that I thought was so Important. Lying down and resting is simply the best gift you can give your body at this time. 

Ten minutes does make a difference :)

- Talking to the baby whilst doing either of the above to reconnect and remind me why my body can feel such discomfort right now. Just like labour, it is pain to a purpose. Imagining soft light or oil soothing those joints, listening to what my body is telling me about the positions that work and those that aggravate.

- Stretching and dangling (Yes already! - I have written a whole post on my passion for dangling in childbirth!) Reaching up high and letting those legs gently release the weight they carry in turn takes the pressure from the pelvis and lower back. 

Delicious :)

Happy Dancing. 

Head up head down, wherever the baby is, this is the body that will birth her, these are the bones that will juicily move aside as part of the dance as this precious child comes into the world. 

Listen to those bones, those muscles, know them, care for them. 

Celebrate the ingenuity that is your glorious female body!

Pelvis ripening!

Now there are some phrases that only belong on the blogs of birth-lovers! And I feel this title is one of them!

Since I last wrote on this blog, I have found that we have again been blessed and are expecting our fourth child. I am now at 26 weeks and in the middle of a house move. We know the baby is a girl, my sense so far has been that she will be a head-down baby -- wishful thinking that I won't have to go through the dance of the NHS's concerns again?! Well anyway, we will see as the next few months unfold. At my midwife appointment yesterday she was presenting breech.. too early to be any clue as to how she'll present at birth, but it of course started my little mind turning over and over about what choices I might make later on.

Every word and every gesture spoken to a woman in pregnancy and during labour and birth is crucial. We are like sponges, hearing and sensing for signs of safety, of clues that all is well. I remind myself now that it is important for me to keep this in mind when with folk I don't know so well (including the NHS midwives, wonderful though they probably are, they are not all client-centred and mindful of positive birthing). Teflon cloak - let the comments bounce! Careful who I share information with and who I spend time with, to keep me at the centre of this safe-birthing experience.

This last week I have blossomed physically so that I'm not sure whether I'll fit between certain obstacles in shopping aisles anymore and it takes me a bit of manoeuvring to get out of a low chair (in fact I am avoiding low chairs it has to be said!) Sitting on a couple of cushions piled up on the sofa helps me keep the hips above the knees which instinctively feels like a good position to be in. I was a bit religious about it in my first pregnancy after learning about the best positioning (to get baby's spine down on the left hand side of the belly - otherwise known as Optimum Foetal Positioning) but in subsequent gestations its also felt good. So much more comfy.

And after a few rainy days housebound, only really transferring to the car if we did go out, I remembered that fresh air would be good. I've been experiencing varicose veins and leg cramps at night - both of which I've had lots of advice for but the bit that jumped out at me was Exercise! So I've been walking round the block twice a day (with or without the kids if I can drum up their support) and can definitely feel the loosening of the pelvic muscles and the benefit of giving them some circulation, some opportunity for movement.

Its like I've moved into birth preparation phase both in my mind and body -- I'm more focused now on negotiating that unknown expanse in my pelvis, getting to know the sensations of that whole sacral area, hip circling and generally being conscious of how I'm sitting, standing, lying, walking. What feels good, what feels uncomfy, which positions allow space? This babe and I have a journey to traverse together and it begins now as we get ready to enter our third trimester.

I'm imagining what will be around me when the time comes for me to contract and by holding that image, I know that I will draw the experience to myself. It is an active, positive process to eke out the thorns, ideas, theories, mindsets (my own and those in society around me) that do not resonate with that image over the coming weeks so that no stone is left unturned that could stand in the way of me safely easing this babe into the world.

I welcome this process as I know it has worked the last three times I've done it. Each preparation journey was different and it flowed simply by holding that image of safety and letting it be the anchor point while I worked through and acknowledged any triggers, any doubts, worries, niggles, criticisms, angers etc. So that when that first clear contraction comes and I know that labour has begun, I am ready. Simply ready. Head up, head down, its all the same, a miraculous yet efficient manoeuvring of two bodies - listen to the mind and the emotions now, give them time to prepare so that when it comes to the physical bit they can stand aside and watch the exquisite dance.

I don't want to be different!

So many times in my (known) breech pregnancy, I really wanted to be perceived as normal and it helped me enormously when I attended a workshop by Mary Cronk who very much refers to Normal Breech Birth. I had a strong conviction when pregnant that I fitted in that category (even though it was years later that I found that phrase).

Again though, no matter how much wisened, informed practitioners may know it is simply a variation on normal, there is still a lot of fear and shadow surrounding the breech experience and little effort is made to shelter the pregnant woman from this fear.

And so it toughened me up I think, to realise that I was the one to make the decisions about the birth. That I was being asked to step out of my comfort zone either way. I could choose a elective caesarian section that felt unnecessary and traumatic to me, or I could choose to stand away from the advice of primary caregivers and find my own path. If I was looking for a doctor to say it'll all be fine trust your body, I was sorely mistaken. The situation is changing amongst healthcare professionals, but ultimately I think that taking responsibility for our own health choices is empowering and the way forward. I did not reject their knowledge and skill, I simply kept reading further to make sure I attended to my own needs first and foremost.

I sought the support of women who did know that it was safe to trust my body, and through them found access to birth stories of safe breech birth, advice, information that gently fed the seed of confidence right up to the day. Checking in with how I felt along the way, there were days where I was very afraid having to take such a bold step, but I feel this was all part of me growing and becoming a mother. I continued to get very positive feedback in the form of appropriate care and advice coming my way, and this helped me to feel validated on my path to birthing my daughter in the safest way I knew how.

Pulsatilla - holding onto the mother's heart strings

I tried Pulsatilla 1M with my first breech - a homeopathic remedy recommended when a baby presents breech. Whilst it may be billed as a possible turning remedy, for me I feel confident that it aided me emotionally at that time. I am a very loving kinda girl, perhaps this analogy to my firstborn clutching at my heartstrings is true and suggests a clinginess, a reluctance to let go, let her grow, be born.

For whatever reason, physiologically, breech was right for baby and me in both situations. I understand that the physical is wholly related to emotional, mental and spiritual wellbeing, and any way that a mother can address these other areas will aide her in birthing well and safely. Perhaps breech in some cases is a sign that one can do more to let go, surrender, know that all is well. Perhaps this mental shift will allow a baby to turn if it is its path to do so :)

I'm really into homeopathy and its not a belief thing, it simply works.

I also tried standing up side down in the swim pool, frozen peas at the ribs, warm hot water bottle at the pelvis to coax her round. I tried moxibustion on the little toe acupressure point. I tried lying at 45 degrees twice daily on an upturned ironing board. Until I injured myself and let go of my perceived need to get her to turn.

Sure, try these things and listen to your body and the baby. I personally didn't want to try ECV (External Cephalic Version) and gently feel that that physical intervention may cause problems by stepping in the way, confusing, the dance between the two bodies at this sacred third tremester stage.

More info on ECV here at the Breechbirth website

A 'How To' for birth visualisation

If you are unfamiliar with locating this source of knowing, perhaps your breech is a good time to start accessing it. Here is one way you might like to try turning your attention inside.


Ideally make sure you'll not be interrupted by phones or visitors. Sit on a chair with your back straight and feet flat on the floor or lie down on your left side with carefully positioned cushions. It is helpful to stay awake during this process so choose the time of day for optimum attention!

Take some breaths imagining that with each inbreath you are renewing your body and mind with fresh bright air and with each outbreath you are letting go of any concerns and worries - perhaps watch them float away like clouds and trust that you need not think about them for the next few moments. This is time for you and your baby. Just breathing, giving life, giving time.

You could imagine roots growing down from the soles of your feet deep down into the earth, spreading our like the roots of a tree, connecting with the central core of the earth.

At that core is a golden ball of light, the light will then come up the roots in to your body and you can picture it filling your body, keeping you grounded and safe. Scan through now and feel that golden light touching your feet and toes, your lower leg, knee, upper leg, pelvis, lower back, belly, your womb and baby nestled there. Follow the light to your centre, somewhere around your heart or solar plexus and let it pool there.

You can imagine a silver ball above the head, glistening with the light of inspiration. This is the place of your life path, individual to you, always available to connect with. Pull a strand of the silver light down, through the top of your head and let it light up each part of the body that it reaches - your scalp, the back of the head, forehead, smoothing any lines as the muscles relax, your face, eyes, jaw, neck, throat, let your shoulder blades lower and relax receiving the golden light and it flows along your upper arms, elbows, lower arms, wrists, hands and fingers.

And then feel the silver light mingle with the golden light in your centre. A perfect balance of the nurturing earth and heavenly inspiration. Experience that balance for a moment.

From this central place you can take your attention back to your baby and check in with her or him - is there anything that comes to mind about how they are? Let your mind be soft and see if anything comes. Share any thoughts or feelings that you'd like to with your baby.

This is a good time to notice any fears that you have. Make a note of it for your attention later. Recognise that any places of ill ease as you sit in this quiet space are valuable signposts for areas that need your focus. Perhaps something that you thought you were worried about was a screen for a deeper concern underneath. By exploring a little now in this safe space, you are doing valuable clearing work along the path to a safe and uninhibited birth.

Sometimes the worry may disappear quickly and pop as you recognise it, sometimes you may need to let them go knowing that you can come back to them another time.

If  you find your mind wandering, gently bring it back to your centre and the gold and silver lights mingling. Perhaps it helps to concentrate on each inbreath followed by an outbreath. This is a valuable way to centre yourself and stay in the safe moment of connecting with your instinctive truth. Thoughts may come and go, acknowledge them and let them go for now. Let go of anything you don't need right here, right now. There's all the time in the world to pick up on those thoughts later!

Gently scanning through, aware of each part of your body, noticing things and moving on. Perhaps there are no sensations and that is absolutely fine too, its just how you are in this moment.

Bringing your attention back by noticing sounds outside the room and inside the room. Wiggling your fingers and toes feeling the chair you are sitting on. Write or draw anything you would like to as you come back to the here and now. If you find it difficult to come back, stamp your feet and get on with some everyday things. A glass of water is also a great way to come back.

Weighing up 'Risk'

A mother makes safe choices. An evolutionary necessity.
 
You are not going to be doing anything that puts you or your baby at 'risk', the human race wouldn't have got very far if women were inclined to make crazy decisions at the last minute that endangered herself or her young.


If you feel that a c-section is the safest thing for you then you are right. If you envisage labouring for the large part at home and choosing the hospital for the birth then that is the right choice for you. Similarly, women who feel that the safety of a room they have pre-prepared with their family around them is where they will birth most comfortably then this is right for you.

I have avoided the word 'think' in that sentence as I believe that the answers to a lot of questions asked in preparation for labour come from an intuitive silent place. A gut feeling, a knowing, that can not always be backed up by statistics (although if someone statistically minded put their mind to it I'm sure the proof would be there!) but has the benefit of being a holistic decision. The decision that you know is right with all of yourself.